True Story

Lil'est Sis is turning into a girly-girl. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

LS had plans yesterday to play frisbee golf at a new park. Keep in mind that it's late April, so local temps are hitting low 90's.

All of a sudden, Ma hears, "Ow! [Some manner of expletive]". Ma runs over to the bathroom to see Lil'est Sis rubbing her eye and muttering.

LS was curling her eyelashes. To go play frisbee golf. In 90 degree heat.

...And she pinched her eyeball.

Holy shit. and I thought ma was Queen of the Beauty Products. Couldn't stop laughing.

From Punk Princess to Girly Girl? I wonder how fast it's going to take her to regret the tattoos...

...not that she neccessarily will, just that she got them awfully fast after her 18th.

Jesus H. on a stick...

...the chirping crickets sure are loud, here. I've even forgotten in which color I post. So, burgundy it is - for now.

Let's liven it up just a bit.

You have:
- an avocado
- a jar of peanut butter
- super glue
- liquid latex
- $300
- a limo
- a trunkful of wigs and 18th century costumes
- a laptop with wi-fi
- one bottle each of red and white wine
- your childhood teddy bear
- one red rubber nose
- a box of plastic wrap
- 25 gallons of ice cream
- a box of markers
- 5 boxes of condoms
- earplugs

How would you use these all in one night?

---

I was all set to write some Dali-esque pyschosexual perv fest until I read:

- your childhood teddy bear

And I just can't involve Teddy in anything so sordid. Teddy is sacrosanct. You could have written "Our grandmother" and it would amount to the same thing.*

Your teddy, on the other hand...

>:D

* (almost)

Work-Shirk-O-Rama: Mad Libs Reduxxx

Courtesy of the Tree Swinger: Mad Libs Reduxxx

You asked for it. No spell check applied, natch.


Ok, so I'm fisting here, fisting myself myself metallurgically. A couple cabana boys ago, the gimp found a few salad tongs. No biggie, we felch it to Toledo, even though they weren't sterile.

It's now three contect lenses later, and testicles have neither rang nor played in the bongos.

No big tranny whore, right? Except I've had a sulferous condom telling me to go to the nunnery to get it fellatated out. But, that seems a little timid: "Um, yes, I'd like to bone a chicken because I have a 10 inch dildo. Yes, you can hold it as paranoid mice if you'd like

But, last Beltane I had a dream in which I was a clitoris. Which led me to Baptist websites - that bastion of perversion designed to cleanse you wet . Turns out, salad tongs are recommended to be felched by a clown, since it's most likely a preist ...but could be schnauzer. Great

Gulp, fart , choke - I guess it's time to vicously fuck the cabana boys and fist the damn clown-priest.

It's my own fault for not specifying but...

...I'm still gonna strangle you for spilling the beans on the Upcoming Holidays to Meet SO's Family.

Mom emailed. I quote:

Crack Monkey said you are going to _______ to meet SO's family? Is this getting "serious" or just an obligatory trip?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuckity fuck. I just know I'm gonna get Why don't you & SO want to come to Dallas for Christmas? You went to see *his* family earlier this year. From both Dad & Mom. Shee-it.

In other news it's a good thing Ma reminded me of Lil'est Sis's B-Day this Saturday. BG gets back that day and SO's Lil'est Sis arrives that day as well & there's a huge freaking free concert at the Circo Massimo...Birthday? Huh? Oh yeah...

Last Mom related email detail: if she doesn't stop handing my personal email address out like some sort of personal-travel-agent-in-Rome candy, I'm gonna kill her.

ps- can we also get ma to stop using 'LOL' & unnecassary quotation marks (as in 'My job is "kick ass"' & 'I have really "clicked" with the staff' and...)

She asked me if I'd spoken to you, and then mentioned that she needed to call. To which I said, "Do it soon - she needs some moral support right now." I kept mum about the "want to grow old with you", etc. that SO has been tossing out there, though. Give me a little credit. Not much, but some.

And I think you'll be more than satisfied to hear that promptly after that conversation, I asked her opinion on an odd rib pain that's been bothering me. Her response (loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear)? "Are you sure it's not GAS?" Karma is a tricky bitch. I was very sorry I had declined on the offer of a margarita.

Yeah, Lil'est Sis is pumped about the birthday. She's all growed-up and getting tattoos and piercings and in general making Pops tear out what little remains of his hair...sniff. We should be so proud.

Re: Mom's terrible email manners - block her address until she gets a better feel for the internets. Or tell her you are not a chat room session.

Then charge any of her friends that email you for travel advice a small consultation fee. And copy Mom on it. ;)

Sisterly Correspondence

This was too good to keep to ourselves...

Yo. So yeah, the blog entry's what I couldn't talk about last night. Can we say holy fuck? I thought so. Would have been an interesting post-coital chat had the wee bugger not been quite so talented at reducing me to post-multiple orgasm passed out jelly.

Further details on the other 'big decision' later. I've been wrastling with rebuilding our server today and don't want to see a keyboard for at least 12 hours.

So...does that mean you ARE engaged? Or is it a hanging question (statement??) in the air?

NO! Am not engaged.

Hanging statement (question) and I'm gonna leave it hanging for the time being. Repeat AM NOT ENGAGED.

You know though, every time i attempt to think about this little situation & what my theoretical response would be, the thing that hits my brain first is

1) Oh dear god. The family.
2) Eloping's good.
3) Oh dear god. the family will disown me.

Ok, got it.

3) Oh dear god. the family will disown me.

Are you kidding? They'd just be happy that one of us is finally hitched. On the other hand, I might kill you, since all I'd hear after is "when are you going to get married, like your sister?" ;)

I wuv you snookums. Seriously, let the Q/S hang for a while and digest it. Thoroughly. Who knows - it may not give you indigestion after all.

Shit you're right. They would totally say that. And then the next one would be 'Why can't you two have kids like Lil'est Sis?' ;)

Indigestion - Maybe, maybe not. But that's a pretty big step.

Can't we just live in sin for a while? ;)

Really leaving now. Working dinner. Will try not to strangle coworkers.

smoochies

Pop Quiz, Hot Shot

You have a beautiful Sunday afternoon up for grabs. Do you:

a.) go into the office for a few hours to help alliviate the Atlas-sized workload that's been shoved upon you, making your Monday significantly less stressful?

or

b.) say fuck it and spend the day in your jammies baking brownies for a friend's road trip and watching Star Wars movies?

WWRDD?

I am assuming RD of 'WWRDD?' is moi as Resident Dictator. I should have done A myself, but opted for C) Waiting around for the couple who the BG rented her room out to to show up for the keys (she's off to Canada again for a month) & laying on my bed getting really stoned while second guessing a major decision made 2 days ago.

While I hold Happy Pills in high distain, sometimes I wonder if a couple slipped into my moring cappucinos might not be a bad idea.

I've been entertaining that thought for the past three weeks. Strictly for work purposes, though.

They'll Be Going in a Nursing Home Because of This.

Matricide & patricide are looming on the horizon, folks. And no, it won't be to get my grimy little paws on my inheritance ASAP - I'm labour under no illusions that my inheritance will be a pile of Visa Bills and Bankruptcy notices.

No, these future homicides will not be fiscally motivated at all.

They will happen soon though. I can feel it in my bones.

They will happen the next time of of my parents hands out my email address as a personal tourist angency for their friends, hairdressers, and casual acquaintances.

You would think that my parents would get the clue that I am balls to the walls busy by the fact that I don't even reply to their emails. So what the fuck makes them think I will reply to some random stranger emailing me with the opening line "I'm coming to Rome & your parent gave me your email address."

Or not.

Do you think poison is humane or does the crime call for inducing pain beforhand?


Do you need me to have an email intervention with the 'rents? While I'm at it, can I put a kiabosh on the chain emails and the "if you aren't ashamed to love the lord, pass this to all your friends" crap, too?