Manly?

Pass me some tips, sis. Apparently, I'm not female-looking enough...

Went to a bar tonight located in an office building. The bathrooms are in a joint hallway and require a code to access the sweet, sweet flushability. This is the conversation with the bartender:

CM: Do you happen to have the code for the bathroom?
B: The women's bathroom?
CM: Um...yeah.

It didn't *quite* hit me until I was about to drop trou, but Jebus...if he had to ask, something must be wrong. The scarf I was wearing was in no way bulky enough or large enough to hide the chestal region.

Dammit if this isn't going to make me start wearing makeup. Gack.


P.S. - I love it. Blogger wanted to replace Jebus with "Jeeps". You know, the all-terrain-type savior. Now comes with linen seats, run flat tires, and a battery that will never go dead.
I'm so going to hell.
There's no way in hell you look anything even remotely approaching 'manly'. Apart from the sweater puppies cougars you have been endowed with, you've got Der Family Boot-ay to, er, boot.

Apparently this bartender was dumber than usual and/or confused by the fact that your morning abolutions don't involve troweling 3 metric tonnes of slap onto your face.

Next time punch him in the nads (after he gives you the bathroom code, of course)

I'm thinkin' Blogger sort of sucks for this continued conversation stuff

Anywho, continuing from yesterday's dilemma...
I like Orgasmatron (who doesn't?!?), but it still seems too nice. I guess I'll have to get over it.
It *is* too nice, if accurate.

The Orgasmatron Commitment Press?

I think that's about as accurate as it gets. I have yet to update the FavMondo with gory boring details, but the phrase "I want to grow old with you." was used two weeks ago.

I still have the hives to prove it. Thank Saint Fuck that he hasn't mentioned crotchlings again.

Which reminds me: There is nothing in this world that will smash your biological clock to pieces faster than hearing your boyfriend's sister and your boyfriend's best friend's partner discuss labor and the various ripping, cutting, pushing and pulling that ensues.And then...

...they turn to you and say "Your turn next. When are you guys planning on having kids?"

*runs screaming from the room*
Which reminds me - Grams asked when we're having kids again. I told her she'd have to wait quite a while, unless she wanted us impregnated by one night stands or sperm donors. (That's pretty much the same thing, though, right?)
There are still scars on my tongue from the many periods of Secondary Virginity the previous three years. It was either self-mutilation or getting disowned for saying

"You gotta have sex to have kids, Grandma, and unless the Immaculate Conception happens directly after the Immaculate Orgasm To End All Orgasms, the Coming of the Lord will be happenin' in the Holy Jizz Rag."

The Orgasmatron Commitment Press? It sounds like a workout maneuver which involves quivering and running simultaneously. Now *that's* a way to get a workout.
Is it possible to run while your thighs are quivering?!

Prolly not, but it'd be interesting to try.

On the Horns of a Serious Dilemma

So dearest Middle Sis, should I change Shithead's nickname?

The riff from Good Omens will always remain dear and near to my heart, but I'm thinkin' the aka part needs a bit of sprucing.

And no, My Current Pole is not acceptable.We're the Poles. Well, Quarter-Poles anyway...
Well, do as you like, but it better not be along the lines of "Sweet Muffin" or "Pookie Pie". A few suggestions:

Mr. In-Limbo
Blurter of Inappropriate Phrases (BIP - has a nice ring)
Not-My-Boyfriend
Fucker Bitch
Host for a Cock

Shithead is still my favorite, with My Current Pole a close second.
As I've said before, if I start using saccaine drenched nicknames for him or anybody, you have my permission to soundly kick my ass and I will even buy your ticket to Rome to facilitate said ass kicking.

'Fucker Bitch'? I must not be awake yet as it seems to make more sense (in a self depricaiting way) as 'Bitch Fucker'.

Dances with Pussy?
The Orgasmatron?
Mr. Finally Figured Out What You Want, Eh?

Fucker Bitch stems from a note left on a car. "Don't park in my spot again, fucker bitch!" No...I was not the one that wrote it. Unfortunately.

I like Orgasmatron (who doesn't?!?), but it still seems too nice. I guess I'll have to get over it.

Ten Things You Should Know About Roma Kimmy

How in the world do you just pick ten? Sigh, here goes...

1. Queso is like the nectar of the gods to her.
2. She still moves with the grace of a ballerina.
3. She's my Lesbian Incestuous Twin. Wait, we're not twins...
4. She has more balls than most of the men I know. Figuratively speaking, of course.
5. She's fiercely protective of those precious to her, but not so protective as to bite her tongue if/when they fuck up.
6. Her favorite flavor chapstick is Dr. Pepper.
7. She has more pairs of leather/pleather pants than anyone I know. Pulls it off well, too.
8. She can't rollerblade due to the ingrained toe turn-out from years of dance training.
9. People love to know her, keep in touch with her, and make it a point to never piss her off.
10. Her sex drive is like that of an 18-year old boy. And her current pole loves it.

Like #10 is a bad thing. Pah. Add sking to #8 also.

#10 is a very good thing. At least I didn't mention the wet spot. Oops...

Yes, for someone who is not into golden showers, I do indeed have an absurd need for rubber sheets.

We are never gonna get any work done now are we?

10 Things You Should Know About the CrackMonkey

1. Her well-endowed chestal region is nicknamed "The Twins"
2. She punched a horse in the jaw once.
3. The horse had bit one of The Twins.
4. She's the one who inherited Dad's anal-retentive spell-check gene.
5. She's exactly 3 years, 3 months, and 1 hour younger than me.
6. After the birds-n-bees talk from Mom, I further traumatised her by informing her about:

• gays
• lesbians
• how to masturbate

7. Continuing the theme, I was present when she bought her first vibrator.
8. Her eyes were bigger than her....: said vibrator was a bit oversized for our petite lass.
9. She's slightly shorter than I am. Ha!
10. She's gonna kick my ass for this post.


CrackMonkey adds: I'm not sorry I lost that vibrator. "Eddie and the Batteries" was a bit much.

Bitch.

11. She's a lot nicer than I am.
12. Well, sometimes.

11. She's a lot nicer than I am. - You caught me on a good day - I got drunk and laid (well) last night.

I got drunk and laid (well) last night. - Christ woman, get out of my brain!

The Premise

Two sisters.
On opposite sides of the Atlantic.
Dysfunctional family.
With a NeoCom Liberal-Baiting Uncle.
Fucked Up Love Lives.
Lots of Spam.
And Grommets.
+ One Blog as Semi-Continuous Conversation.
-------------------------------------------------
Untold numbers of casualties and maimings.